Grieflections 1: February Feels

Welcome to my new series of Grieflections - taken from the pages (and pages) of notes, until now unpublished. Thought bubbles, of sorts, from my widow's fog of last year, to the widow's brain of today. 

 Mindfulness studies taught me to look at thoughts as "writing on water" - recognize them, and reflect on how they manifest as sensory feelings. Be Curious. Observant. Accepting. Loving. And come back to the breath. The now. Mindfulness and meditation has been a gift. Writing has been my salvation to process the thoughts. And let them go - to anyone who may be interested in Life in the Widow-hood.

 February Feels
How is it possible? I still catch myself in painful disbelief. But the daily reminders of widowhood scream the reality of my unintended life. The empty "side" of our bed. The recently emptied closet and bureau drawers. His chair, still holding his "scent", yet devoid of his presence. Writing has been my therapy, along with mindfulness meditation and my village of kind, caring humans. I know everyone wants me to be moving forward. To be "Fine, thank you very much." Progress is being made. But this new life without my Kahuna is hard, dammit. I hate living without him. I miss his hugs. Holding hands. His kisses. His love for his Lovely Paula Marie. The harsh reality is hard to accept. I'm trying. I really am. And I'm discovering the sorrowful "seconds" are as painful as the firsts...

It’s February. Again. Love is in the air. Hearts everywhere. Reminders of what I had. What I lost. George's birthday, followed three days later by Valentine’s Day. Am I used to being alone now? Sadly, yes. Is my new life still peppered with tear inducing gut-punch moments? Every single day, for the past 654 days.

Losing the love of your life leaves a gaping hole in your heart, from which the agony, sorrow, fear, sadness, and anger bleeds out, while your heart still beats to keep you alive and press forward with a strength you never realized you had.

They say time heals all wounds. That hole in my heart will never fully heal. I will never be complete without him. And the scar will always remind me of the beautiful life I once had.

So this is his LPM. Bracing for what would have been his 69th birthday. I think Charlie and I will hit the road to celebrate.
Travels with Charlie. My four legged comfort giver. 

 I'll sing loudly, cry unashamedly, take in the beauty around me, and walk some of our favorite spots. And I'll breathe. And reflect on the gifts he gave me for 50 years. Love. Friendship. Children. Memories to last my lifetime.
Our happy place. Santa Ynez Valley. January, 2018

I love you, my sweet Georgie. Happy Birthday. You will always be my Valentine.

His last Valentine. "This is a year we won't soon forget. But love wins out. Thank you for celebrating so many Valentine Days with me. XOXO Love and Kisses, Georgie"



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