Grieflections 3 - Love in a Rear-view Mirror

Being sidelined with pneumonia has made me appreciate the gift of good health. And with it, the ease with which we are able to breathe in life. I am grateful for my village who always rallies, even when I am uncomfortable asking for help. It has also reminded me how dependent I was on my Kahuna when I was sick. He was a compassionate caregiver, hand holder and meal provider. I miss that. I also had time to think – and remember when I wasn’t flying solo in the widow-hood… 


I’m approaching the two year mark since That Day. While so much has gone off-script in my fairy tale, “They lived happily ever after”, ending, the daily reminders of our story are everywhere. Same house. His chair. His beloved Golden Retriever, Charlie.

Never far away...

His wedding rings worn around my neck. An occasional email to his inbox from an unknowing former client, wishing him well and thanking him for his help during their most difficult times. His precious charcoal mountain in the garage, albeit smaller thanks to Son and his inherited BBQ skills.

Time, it is said, softens the blow of loss. Heals all wounds. Marches on. For me, time has also brought a new chapter in my grief journey. The sadness of feeling my past –  so many years and memories with George - fading into the background of my new existence.



I spend a fair amount of time now, looking at life as if through a rear-view mirror. I want desperately to retain the memories we made. I stare deeply into his eyes in the many photographs I keep nearby, trying to feel his gaze penetrating my soul. Listening to the precious recordings I saved, drinking in his voice, his laughter, his wit. Reading the love notes on so many cards thankfully saved through the years, picturing his pen in hand forming every word. And watching the video of our last dance - imagining his arms wrapped around me. Loving me. Only me.

But just as the image in a rear-view mirror eventually begins to fade away, I feel his presence - our memories - also becoming more distant. My Paula 2.0 life is waging a heart aching tug-of-war with my past. Pulling me further away from our life together. And with each tug, I grieve his loss yet again. I am blooming into the New Paula Marie, but I don't want to time to steal all that George and His Lovely Paula Marie shared for so many years.

How do I cope? I talk to him. Cry my feelings out and then press on, hoping my super-adult brain cells will retain everything I adored about my Kahuna. And hoping the warning on my rear-view mirror is correct...

“Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear” 



 Please stay nearby, my love. Our memories are the glue that will forever bind my future.

What I would give for one more kiss...

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