52 Weeks

For better or worse, in sickness and in health...

52 weeks ago today. It’s Wednesday morning, and my always strong man is too weak to get out of his chair. His doctor instructs me to call 911. Best Friend rushes over. Daughter follows. She alerts Son.. We’re concerned, but hopeful.

Is this really happening?

The ER team is attentive and reassuring. IV antibiotics and platelets are now fighting the good fight. George is dictating text messages to clients, assuring them their upcoming court appearances will be covered by a colleague.

As nurses prepare to move him to the ICU, I sense their sudden urgency, and feel the rising tightness in my throat and unsettling in my stomach. George utters what were to be his last words to me, “Here, honey, take my glasses,” as he is transferred to a gurney for a trip down that all too familiar corridor to the ICU. Neither of us realized those words would be our goodbye...

"Honey, hold my glasses" - forever

Hours later, Thursday morning at 2:03 am, we wrapped our arms around him and said goodbye as he slipped away - his chemo weakened body no match for the infection it could not defend.

Memories of that day are both a blur, and horrifically clear. Writing them here, I remember the fear that consumed me. The reality one faces when losing their person. George was my person. I’d spent nearly my entire life with him. And still, 52 weeks later, I miss him to the depths of my soul.

Loved ones helped me fill this past week with joyful fun memories of my Kahuna. I’m spending today surrounded by my sweet Grands, and celebrating my son-in-law’s birthday. This is how I want to fill my days moving forward. Laughter. Fun memories. Gratitude.

But first I’m going to close the chapter on this past year with another road trip to mark a painful anniversary. April 18-19 will be dates forever tinged with sadness. But in true Kahuna fashion, I’m going to remember the happiness, the love, the good times, and the celebrations that made our time together so special.
Happier times -/we thought we had more time

I miss his Kahuna size hugs

I am blessed to have friends and family who indulged my very public, year long grief journey.

Treasure each moment with those you love. To my sweet George - Honey, I’m still holding your glasses. Wearing our rings. And grateful for our love that will last forever.
Forever...

Comments

Post a Comment

Posts Others Liked

First Kisses. Last Kisses

Image
I remember our first “real” kiss. 1971. On my front porch. I stood on the first step to make up for my lack of height - 5’ 4" to his lanky 6’1” frame. It was a sweet little kiss after our first official date. In the two and a half years previously, a few “friendship kisses” were all we ever shared. A simple peck on the cheek. But that kiss on the porch? That one was different. Intentional. And I remember it made my stomach flutter. A flutter I had not known before. That first kiss. So unforgettable. So innocent. So special. Maui kisses with my Big Kahuna I don’t remember our last kiss. We kissed all the time, but the passionate kisses of two lovers had been derailed by cancer, chemo, and mouth sores. 52 weeks ago I said goodbye to the only man I had kissed passionately in well over 40 years. Someone I kissed every single day. Until... Holiday kisses  That Day.   I didn’t know our last day was going to be our last day. I didn’t kiss him in the ER, when he said, “...
Read more

Grieflections 4 - Rats in the Water Softener and Other Self Discoveries

Image
In 2018 I became a reluctant learner at Widowhood University.  The business of George’s business became my business, along with all of the responsibilities I had happily let him oversee during our 43 "His and Hers" years. On top of the numbing grief and sadness that seemed to be burying me alive, I was faced with closing a law practice, navigating the intricacies of self-employment business taxes, notifying umpteen financial institutions, the State Bar, and numerous unsuspecting clients. Date of death property appraisals. Sales of real estate and my Kahuna’s car. I must say I surprised myself. It was a crash course in self-reliance, and I can proudly say I earned my degree! As it turns out. It’s the mundane, unspectacular tasks that continue to remind me how much I depended on George. Trudging the weekly trash, recycle, and garden waste barrels down our long driveway to the curb on time. Bringing them back up, donning the garden gloves that shield me from the...
Read more

The Last Firsts. Never Alone, Ever Lonely

Image
·    10 Months   ·    43 weeks   ·    306 Days   ·    7344 Hours   ·    440,640 Minutes Today marks 10 months since That Day.   I’ve rounded the corner, nearing the homestretch toward the finish line of painful “firsts”. And that last turn was a double whammy! George’s birthday last week led me (and Charlie, my goofy Golden and constant sidekick) on a 400+ mile, 24 hour road trip to some of our favorite places. It was just us, and it was exactly what we needed. My Kahuna was with us. We both felt his presence.  Paso Robles, CA. His favorite winery Moonstone Beach, Cambria, CA.  Charlie, my  sidekick Three days later, my Valentine’s Day broken heart was comforted by an extraordinary outpouring of love from my Village. Cards, gifts, messages and dozens of roses, including 50 red roses from Daughter – symbolic of her dad’s last Valentine’s gift to me - r...
Read more